Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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