My sheets look like a crime scene.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?