May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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