Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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