i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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