We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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