I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
