I cockslap morals
he puts the penis in happiness.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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