I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
