it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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