she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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