I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
