She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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