the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
