When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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