In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
