its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
