My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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