Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
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