I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
