I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
