i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
