We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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