You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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