It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
