He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
