We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
