I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
