Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
