god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
