Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
