and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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