I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
