Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
