i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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