i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
