I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
