Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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