What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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