the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
