i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
