when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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