I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
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I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
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Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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