Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
