my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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