I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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