he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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