how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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