the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
