I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
