my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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