we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
