we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Randomize
