Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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