my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
