Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
