K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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