i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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